I'm a firework

So its funny how life decides to surprise you and reassure you that you aren't crazy.

I managed to make an analogy connecting Hamlet and the Wizard of Oz through educational drama in my performance inquiry class tonight, and it was AWESOME. one of those you had to be there moments...but it totally came off the top of my head and was one of those I'm totally in the right place now moments. Sometimes I think i'm going to be a complete failure at this drama/theatre for the young stuff, and then something like this happens and i'm good again.

on another completely different note- my best friend got married this past weekend, and as her maid of honor, i was swept into the whirlwind of wedding planning, last minute doubts, unforseen laughter, and the beauty of the happiness that two people can share despite the odds. being the only single girl on board (in the wedding party), gave me the chance to see the wedding through unbiased eyes. I didn't have anything to compare it to, no one to imagine being in a wedding, and it was an interesting experience. I thought I was ok with not being in a hurry to do the whole marriage thing-never planned a wedding, picked out the colors, or the dress like most girls who are my age already have completely figured out, but suddenly i'm feeling a little behind on the ball.

is this part of growing up? I can't avoid it...especially now that she's married. I can't help but wonder, will I ever be so lucky as to have as beautiful as a wedding as she did? we kept joking i was going to be the old dog lady (i'm not a fan of cats), but i hope to god not. Maybe I'm not sure about growing up, but I do know for sure I don't want to end up alone when I do decide to grow up.

So, for the first time in my life, I started looking at dresses and thinking about colors....and then gave up-better to not think about it until I have a reason too.

again with the random switch- my new favorite song Firework by Katy Perry. look it up and you will see why.

I'm off to sleep and dream of fireworks...in all the implied meaning of the word. :)

"Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July"

I can't get out, but please don't take me back in....

Why am I up so late? Why can't I find the inspiration to write this paper, and i'm blogging instead?

This feeling of loneliness I've been trying to cope with lately is taking over my life. I have no motivation to get anything done, and I can't focus to save my soul. It's not like I don't have friends-its the opposite. I have been blessed with some of the best friends and sisters this world can give a girl. But they aren't here. I can't run to campus to vent, or geek out in class with them. There are no midnight adventures and no hugs and hands to hold. yes, facebook can keep people in contact, but there is something about the power of touch, of looking someone in the eye to tell them something important, or share a fear that even skype can't fix.

I am alone in a big city. I am not scared, I am just lacking the social confidence I had less than a year ago, and I miss it. I like being by myself, it gives me a feeling of independence and self sufficiency that "I can do this" the real world isn't so scary after all.....or is it?

So, I'm afraid of the dark. not just the dark where you turn the lights off, but the kind of dark where you can't see. I am afraid of what I can't see and yet everyday I plunge forward into new realms of experience in this universe we call home. It's interesting to live with.

I miss the comfort of a boy. the stability of knowing you can call someone to talk about anything, falling asleep with someone next to you, silly fests, kisses and cuddles, debates and lessons learned from the opposite sex. I wish sometimes my past relationships hadn't been so traumatic and I could be more open to new prospects, but at the same time perhaps it has taught me the value of a relationship and be picky for the safety of my heart-because i've been through worse than most, and survived. Even if it was in a few more pieces than I started with.

I am worried that I will not make it in today's technologically advanced world with the skills I have. I want to have a family, and a house, and travel the world, but there is no guarantee for me. and I'm not sure i'm ok with that just yet. I plug through my classes, and can't quite figure out where I fit into the mix. I am the baby-the youngest in my program and it makes me wonder if i'm lacking in some world experience that I could/should be getting right now instead of chaining myself into school for three more years.

Don't get me wrong, I love where life is taking me, but its a scary ride. there are more twists and turns than I expected, throwing constant curves at for me to swerve. life, What else do you have for me? I'm tougher than I look, and I am willing to attempt to take on anything even if I fail so let's go. I'm doing my best to conquer this challenge before the next one sneak attacks me.

This is random. I don't know where this is coming from, apparently my heart is bleeding emotions and there is no where left for them to go except here on this "page" so its out, and not still locked in.




....."But me, I'm the catalyst"

You can't wreck me, I'm already broken.

I need to stop watching freaking cute movies with happy endings. especially the chick flicks. All they make me want to do is cry. I am an emotional wreck. run me over with your car next time please and I might just look better.

and so, I write....

Maybe i see the world through stilted eyes where your cognitive imaginings are equivalent to mine, and dreams are real, even if in some other world that I will never be able to reach. I know the possibilities aren't endless as much as i'd like them to be and i survived without them for this long, so why do i need them now? walk away, just walk away, keep your eyes closed and it won't hurt so much, pull yourself up off the floor and don't let the rain fall from your eyes. I can't stop. you think the pain goes away with time, but it only hides and when you least expect it, when you think its finally ebbed away, it strikes and throws you back years, flooding you with memories strong and unfocused. pull yourself back to the now, this moment, and realize its not the same. the now and the memories don't match. you feel the same but what you see is different, older, uglier, meaner. I don't want this. Do I? NO. I want shiny, happy, comfortable, a trust unbreakable. I'm looking for the faith with this love, and its not found me yet. you leave me hoping for the best...in someone else.

Breathe...just Breathe....

Life is not like a Remote

Can we rewind?

how hazardous would this be if we could? should be there a limit on how many times we could?

Maybe this is why we can't. because we would abuse the power. maybe that's why we can't have superpowers either. but that depends on your definition of superpowers.

So, when things don't go our way, we don't get that job, we failed that class, we bombed that performance, missed that plane, lost that friend or family member to death, or you get left by a love, you don't get to go back and do it over.

Instead we're left in pieces, like a broken mirror on the floor, and even trying to pick up the pieces, much less put them back together cuts us up even more. So we leave the pieces there and have to be constantly reminded of the pain every time look back and are faced with the reflection and sharp edges of the past.

So its a learning experience you say. Live, learn, move on. Whoever said it was that easy? They were on crack. or they've just never dealt with something that stuck with them no matter how hard they tried to shake it off. I'm not saying i've never learned and moved on from mistakes, but its like trying to say "forgive and forget", you may be able to forgive...but god is it hard to forget some people, places, events, or things.

In the end, I guess you can't mess with destiny. you fight like hell to prevent the worst, pull yourself out of the rubble of the disaster, and take the steps forward, because there is no such thing as going back.

Start over? Maybe. but don't mess with the forces-if its meant to be it will be. so just believe and take the thoughts, memories, and emotions one step at a time. I'm in control, no matter how hard it is to remember that some days.

I suppose there's a reason we can't fast forward either.....

A moment of WHOA!

So as I sit here typing this, I am getting ready to crash, before getting up and going to the last final of my undergrad career at Carthage College. It doesnt even matter that this final (the only one I have this finals week) is merely a presentation, it just feels weird. Why do I feel like I still have more to do? I feel like I always have this feeling, like there is more out there for me to do, to have, to take, to give...will I ever just be happy as is?

gah, I need to stop worrying...its all i seem to do lately...worry worry worry...about time, about money, about people I love, people I want to love, and the future. I trust that things will work out if they are meant to be, and everything finds a way to come together in the end...but what about that time period in between...that awkward "how do I know?,When will I know?" feeling...I think i'm constantly stuck there. I just want to know that things are going to be okay, and no one is going to leave me, or lie to me, and when someone makes me a promise, it will happen...will the world ever be like that? I don't know...

OMG. I'm graduating from college. HEELLLOOOOO WORLD! (ok, so maybe i'm going to grad school...but still) What if I don't want to grow up in this sense? always have a job, pay bills, answer my own questions? I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Maybe this is why i'm going into childrens theatre, so i dont have to feel like i'm growing up all the time-I can keep my childlike mentality around them and still be able to teach something.

OK, seriously, I need to go to bed, I have to get up super ridiculously early..for that last final. but hey, Here we go...and to be slightly honest...I Can't wait to get it over with and get out of here. I AM DONE. take me home, take me away, and let me breathe, if only for a while....

Because of course, the madness never ends.

Automatic Writing with a stresed out Brain = Perfect Example of How Random I truly am

So I feel the need to share this, so I'm going to type it up here....for my creative writing class, we did an exercise on automatic writing...we had to write whatever came into our heads for a period of time without stopping. This is what I got:

I find the world revolves faster than I can process my own fears and I see the trees growing faster than it takes you to make up your mind. Your passive aggressive explosions create absentminded tears, while i hide in a closet, my face pressed to a plastic cup of cold water, waiting for the room to disappear and the beach to swallow me up with sun, sand and surf. But there is no reality, you are what you eat, no one likes the lights off- I can't see anything! Is that such a bad thing? Does this make me a piece of cake? because shit is not that easy.

The constant shaking of the train by my window lulls my restless body to sleep despite its blaring horn and rails screeching along the tracks. Why don't people travel by train anymore? in Europe, its "the thing", in America-well maybe its the thought of the "open road" and all those ridiculous car commercials on T.V. Do you ever see them advertising gas? I didn't think so.

BREATHE. Its only bad if you think it will be and then why were you thinking it in the first place? I wish I could see the world in your shoes. they're so much prettier than mine.....

Talk about random... :)