I'm just a jilted lover in a realists world. I'm never going to get back what I had and its keeping me from opening my heart enough to move forward...
All I want to know is why?
What randomness in this world decided that some of us are destined to be torn apart and ripped to shreds and left to mend the pieces on our own?
A melancholy soul will only see the stitches in those put together pieces, and the sordid soul will see them as an irony to the event, and though the safest of souls is oblivious to such things, it is not excluded from the pain inflicted upon it.
Tears fall, hearts do too, but who's listening for the loss of breath in that moment when the realization hits? I've heard it, felt it, seen it.
When theres no fight left, when your sitting in the hallway on the floor feeling everything pulled out from under you, standing in the rain staring at a light in a window, desperately willing the time to turn in your favor, it feels impossible to take a step away. and for the longest time, every step is just as hard as the first.
it never goes away. it sits like a rock in your shoe, tolerable til something moves you in just the right way that you feel it....
but I'm just tossed aside and forgotten in the eyes of love, wishing to be found again.
How long will it be?
"For once I want to be the car crash, not always just the traffic jam..."
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Muddle
Sometimes I wonder why its so hard to make decisions. I hate being indecisive and yet I am. It's like I have so many options, and I'm constantly wondering "what if'. What would have been different if I chose that path instead of this one, What would that have looked like instead of this, maybe I wouldn't be so emotionally screwed up if....I think you get my point.
So what happens when I can't make up my mind? Nothing. If I can't decide what to eat for dinner, I don't eat until I do. I'm not one to settle. Which, most of the time, is a curse. However, it does have its upside. I'm very open to new possibilities, and i'm really easy going, and empathetic to others and their situations, and I'm flexible.
Why is this a problem you ask? Because, I tend to get myself over involved. yes, you heard it, over involved. I volunteer to do too many things at the same time, I want to be a part of as much as possible that I say yes to everyone who asks me to do something until I am stretched so thin I can barely retain the basic functions necessary to happiness in life. I get so focused on making others happy, and earning their respect and not disappointing them, that I don't take care of myself.
Which is how we get here. to this post. because I am in this situation right now. But I don't want to say no to anyone, I don't want to back out of something, because I have this desperate fear of disappointing people. I am afraid that if I say no, or back out, or admit that its too much for me, that I will be thought of as incompetent, and not considered in the future. So, I am muddling through. the lack of sleep at night is not from lack of time, its from the dreams. the anxiety dreams that tear through my thoughts and wake me up in a sweat, tangled in the blankets, because something i'm working on has gotten out of control and its my fault. I know this isn't true...but YOU tell my brain that when i'm in the pitfalls of my not so dreamy land.
I just have to keep telling myself it will be over soon...I only have just about two weeks of this, and the majority of the insanity will calm down. and then only a few weeks after that before its all over, and a new chapter begins. Keep moving forward and peace will come, and with it spring. I may just need some help remembering that....
Sometimes, there's no escape, but that doesn't mean you weren't supposed to.
So what happens when I can't make up my mind? Nothing. If I can't decide what to eat for dinner, I don't eat until I do. I'm not one to settle. Which, most of the time, is a curse. However, it does have its upside. I'm very open to new possibilities, and i'm really easy going, and empathetic to others and their situations, and I'm flexible.
Why is this a problem you ask? Because, I tend to get myself over involved. yes, you heard it, over involved. I volunteer to do too many things at the same time, I want to be a part of as much as possible that I say yes to everyone who asks me to do something until I am stretched so thin I can barely retain the basic functions necessary to happiness in life. I get so focused on making others happy, and earning their respect and not disappointing them, that I don't take care of myself.
Which is how we get here. to this post. because I am in this situation right now. But I don't want to say no to anyone, I don't want to back out of something, because I have this desperate fear of disappointing people. I am afraid that if I say no, or back out, or admit that its too much for me, that I will be thought of as incompetent, and not considered in the future. So, I am muddling through. the lack of sleep at night is not from lack of time, its from the dreams. the anxiety dreams that tear through my thoughts and wake me up in a sweat, tangled in the blankets, because something i'm working on has gotten out of control and its my fault. I know this isn't true...but YOU tell my brain that when i'm in the pitfalls of my not so dreamy land.
I just have to keep telling myself it will be over soon...I only have just about two weeks of this, and the majority of the insanity will calm down. and then only a few weeks after that before its all over, and a new chapter begins. Keep moving forward and peace will come, and with it spring. I may just need some help remembering that....
Sometimes, there's no escape, but that doesn't mean you weren't supposed to.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Pieces
Shocking. I almost forgot I had this thing. Maybe's its because life has taken off on me and I'm having a hard time keeping up.
This whole being an adult and making decisions thing is not always what its cracked up to be. The whole "you can grow up and be whatever you want to be" speech you got when you were a kid...not exactly true.
In the last two months, I've been asked if I should even be in my grad school program, a question i'm still fighting to find the answer to, and a question that i wish I had never been asked. I worked like a maniac over Christmas and feel as though I have finally maybe earned my spot in the workplace. (Still got to see my family though and ski-two things very dear to my heart). I rang in a new year with exhaustion, which has seemed to follow me through these first weeks so far. To make things a little better, I went to an amazing conference which gave me a tiny sliver of hope that I might actually be successful in my life career choice...someday. and another reassurance? Cast in a Theatre for very young audiences musical that will bring a storybook to life for 2-6yr old children...as a lead! Yet, still, I feel as though a piece to my life is missing, something isn't whole and I haven't quite figured that out yet. Am I in the right place? Doing the right thing? Could I be there instead of here?....
I know, you're thinking...life has ups and downs. I know this. mine is no where near perfect. As I sit here at the end of a day that brought us a whole lot of snow and a day off from real life, it really doesn't help the nostalgia I'm feeling. What I have learned though..is you often don't realize how often something is, until it's happened and its past. So...my belated new years resolution? To try and stay in the moment and hold on to it for as long as possible, to make that memory even sweeter when I go to look back on it. Cliche, I know, but hey, at least I'm not trying to lose weight or "give something up" like everyone else does.
So, A little random update to the world (who I'm sure has no idea that this silly little thing exists), and a little more off my chest and into words.
"Take these little pieces,
build me up a wall.
So that I might climb it,
be a thousand stories tall" ~Me
This whole being an adult and making decisions thing is not always what its cracked up to be. The whole "you can grow up and be whatever you want to be" speech you got when you were a kid...not exactly true.
In the last two months, I've been asked if I should even be in my grad school program, a question i'm still fighting to find the answer to, and a question that i wish I had never been asked. I worked like a maniac over Christmas and feel as though I have finally maybe earned my spot in the workplace. (Still got to see my family though and ski-two things very dear to my heart). I rang in a new year with exhaustion, which has seemed to follow me through these first weeks so far. To make things a little better, I went to an amazing conference which gave me a tiny sliver of hope that I might actually be successful in my life career choice...someday. and another reassurance? Cast in a Theatre for very young audiences musical that will bring a storybook to life for 2-6yr old children...as a lead! Yet, still, I feel as though a piece to my life is missing, something isn't whole and I haven't quite figured that out yet. Am I in the right place? Doing the right thing? Could I be there instead of here?....
I know, you're thinking...life has ups and downs. I know this. mine is no where near perfect. As I sit here at the end of a day that brought us a whole lot of snow and a day off from real life, it really doesn't help the nostalgia I'm feeling. What I have learned though..is you often don't realize how often something is, until it's happened and its past. So...my belated new years resolution? To try and stay in the moment and hold on to it for as long as possible, to make that memory even sweeter when I go to look back on it. Cliche, I know, but hey, at least I'm not trying to lose weight or "give something up" like everyone else does.
So, A little random update to the world (who I'm sure has no idea that this silly little thing exists), and a little more off my chest and into words.
"Take these little pieces,
build me up a wall.
So that I might climb it,
be a thousand stories tall" ~Me
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