I'm just a jilted lover in a realists world. I'm never going to get back what I had and its keeping me from opening my heart enough to move forward...
All I want to know is why?
What randomness in this world decided that some of us are destined to be torn apart and ripped to shreds and left to mend the pieces on our own?
A melancholy soul will only see the stitches in those put together pieces, and the sordid soul will see them as an irony to the event, and though the safest of souls is oblivious to such things, it is not excluded from the pain inflicted upon it.
Tears fall, hearts do too, but who's listening for the loss of breath in that moment when the realization hits? I've heard it, felt it, seen it.
When theres no fight left, when your sitting in the hallway on the floor feeling everything pulled out from under you, standing in the rain staring at a light in a window, desperately willing the time to turn in your favor, it feels impossible to take a step away. and for the longest time, every step is just as hard as the first.
it never goes away. it sits like a rock in your shoe, tolerable til something moves you in just the right way that you feel it....
but I'm just tossed aside and forgotten in the eyes of love, wishing to be found again.
How long will it be?
"For once I want to be the car crash, not always just the traffic jam..."
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Muddle
Sometimes I wonder why its so hard to make decisions. I hate being indecisive and yet I am. It's like I have so many options, and I'm constantly wondering "what if'. What would have been different if I chose that path instead of this one, What would that have looked like instead of this, maybe I wouldn't be so emotionally screwed up if....I think you get my point.
So what happens when I can't make up my mind? Nothing. If I can't decide what to eat for dinner, I don't eat until I do. I'm not one to settle. Which, most of the time, is a curse. However, it does have its upside. I'm very open to new possibilities, and i'm really easy going, and empathetic to others and their situations, and I'm flexible.
Why is this a problem you ask? Because, I tend to get myself over involved. yes, you heard it, over involved. I volunteer to do too many things at the same time, I want to be a part of as much as possible that I say yes to everyone who asks me to do something until I am stretched so thin I can barely retain the basic functions necessary to happiness in life. I get so focused on making others happy, and earning their respect and not disappointing them, that I don't take care of myself.
Which is how we get here. to this post. because I am in this situation right now. But I don't want to say no to anyone, I don't want to back out of something, because I have this desperate fear of disappointing people. I am afraid that if I say no, or back out, or admit that its too much for me, that I will be thought of as incompetent, and not considered in the future. So, I am muddling through. the lack of sleep at night is not from lack of time, its from the dreams. the anxiety dreams that tear through my thoughts and wake me up in a sweat, tangled in the blankets, because something i'm working on has gotten out of control and its my fault. I know this isn't true...but YOU tell my brain that when i'm in the pitfalls of my not so dreamy land.
I just have to keep telling myself it will be over soon...I only have just about two weeks of this, and the majority of the insanity will calm down. and then only a few weeks after that before its all over, and a new chapter begins. Keep moving forward and peace will come, and with it spring. I may just need some help remembering that....
Sometimes, there's no escape, but that doesn't mean you weren't supposed to.
So what happens when I can't make up my mind? Nothing. If I can't decide what to eat for dinner, I don't eat until I do. I'm not one to settle. Which, most of the time, is a curse. However, it does have its upside. I'm very open to new possibilities, and i'm really easy going, and empathetic to others and their situations, and I'm flexible.
Why is this a problem you ask? Because, I tend to get myself over involved. yes, you heard it, over involved. I volunteer to do too many things at the same time, I want to be a part of as much as possible that I say yes to everyone who asks me to do something until I am stretched so thin I can barely retain the basic functions necessary to happiness in life. I get so focused on making others happy, and earning their respect and not disappointing them, that I don't take care of myself.
Which is how we get here. to this post. because I am in this situation right now. But I don't want to say no to anyone, I don't want to back out of something, because I have this desperate fear of disappointing people. I am afraid that if I say no, or back out, or admit that its too much for me, that I will be thought of as incompetent, and not considered in the future. So, I am muddling through. the lack of sleep at night is not from lack of time, its from the dreams. the anxiety dreams that tear through my thoughts and wake me up in a sweat, tangled in the blankets, because something i'm working on has gotten out of control and its my fault. I know this isn't true...but YOU tell my brain that when i'm in the pitfalls of my not so dreamy land.
I just have to keep telling myself it will be over soon...I only have just about two weeks of this, and the majority of the insanity will calm down. and then only a few weeks after that before its all over, and a new chapter begins. Keep moving forward and peace will come, and with it spring. I may just need some help remembering that....
Sometimes, there's no escape, but that doesn't mean you weren't supposed to.
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