I can't get out, but please don't take me back in....

Why am I up so late? Why can't I find the inspiration to write this paper, and i'm blogging instead?

This feeling of loneliness I've been trying to cope with lately is taking over my life. I have no motivation to get anything done, and I can't focus to save my soul. It's not like I don't have friends-its the opposite. I have been blessed with some of the best friends and sisters this world can give a girl. But they aren't here. I can't run to campus to vent, or geek out in class with them. There are no midnight adventures and no hugs and hands to hold. yes, facebook can keep people in contact, but there is something about the power of touch, of looking someone in the eye to tell them something important, or share a fear that even skype can't fix.

I am alone in a big city. I am not scared, I am just lacking the social confidence I had less than a year ago, and I miss it. I like being by myself, it gives me a feeling of independence and self sufficiency that "I can do this" the real world isn't so scary after all.....or is it?

So, I'm afraid of the dark. not just the dark where you turn the lights off, but the kind of dark where you can't see. I am afraid of what I can't see and yet everyday I plunge forward into new realms of experience in this universe we call home. It's interesting to live with.

I miss the comfort of a boy. the stability of knowing you can call someone to talk about anything, falling asleep with someone next to you, silly fests, kisses and cuddles, debates and lessons learned from the opposite sex. I wish sometimes my past relationships hadn't been so traumatic and I could be more open to new prospects, but at the same time perhaps it has taught me the value of a relationship and be picky for the safety of my heart-because i've been through worse than most, and survived. Even if it was in a few more pieces than I started with.

I am worried that I will not make it in today's technologically advanced world with the skills I have. I want to have a family, and a house, and travel the world, but there is no guarantee for me. and I'm not sure i'm ok with that just yet. I plug through my classes, and can't quite figure out where I fit into the mix. I am the baby-the youngest in my program and it makes me wonder if i'm lacking in some world experience that I could/should be getting right now instead of chaining myself into school for three more years.

Don't get me wrong, I love where life is taking me, but its a scary ride. there are more twists and turns than I expected, throwing constant curves at for me to swerve. life, What else do you have for me? I'm tougher than I look, and I am willing to attempt to take on anything even if I fail so let's go. I'm doing my best to conquer this challenge before the next one sneak attacks me.

This is random. I don't know where this is coming from, apparently my heart is bleeding emotions and there is no where left for them to go except here on this "page" so its out, and not still locked in.




....."But me, I'm the catalyst"

You can't wreck me, I'm already broken.

I need to stop watching freaking cute movies with happy endings. especially the chick flicks. All they make me want to do is cry. I am an emotional wreck. run me over with your car next time please and I might just look better.

and so, I write....

Maybe i see the world through stilted eyes where your cognitive imaginings are equivalent to mine, and dreams are real, even if in some other world that I will never be able to reach. I know the possibilities aren't endless as much as i'd like them to be and i survived without them for this long, so why do i need them now? walk away, just walk away, keep your eyes closed and it won't hurt so much, pull yourself up off the floor and don't let the rain fall from your eyes. I can't stop. you think the pain goes away with time, but it only hides and when you least expect it, when you think its finally ebbed away, it strikes and throws you back years, flooding you with memories strong and unfocused. pull yourself back to the now, this moment, and realize its not the same. the now and the memories don't match. you feel the same but what you see is different, older, uglier, meaner. I don't want this. Do I? NO. I want shiny, happy, comfortable, a trust unbreakable. I'm looking for the faith with this love, and its not found me yet. you leave me hoping for the best...in someone else.

Breathe...just Breathe....

Life is not like a Remote

Can we rewind?

how hazardous would this be if we could? should be there a limit on how many times we could?

Maybe this is why we can't. because we would abuse the power. maybe that's why we can't have superpowers either. but that depends on your definition of superpowers.

So, when things don't go our way, we don't get that job, we failed that class, we bombed that performance, missed that plane, lost that friend or family member to death, or you get left by a love, you don't get to go back and do it over.

Instead we're left in pieces, like a broken mirror on the floor, and even trying to pick up the pieces, much less put them back together cuts us up even more. So we leave the pieces there and have to be constantly reminded of the pain every time look back and are faced with the reflection and sharp edges of the past.

So its a learning experience you say. Live, learn, move on. Whoever said it was that easy? They were on crack. or they've just never dealt with something that stuck with them no matter how hard they tried to shake it off. I'm not saying i've never learned and moved on from mistakes, but its like trying to say "forgive and forget", you may be able to forgive...but god is it hard to forget some people, places, events, or things.

In the end, I guess you can't mess with destiny. you fight like hell to prevent the worst, pull yourself out of the rubble of the disaster, and take the steps forward, because there is no such thing as going back.

Start over? Maybe. but don't mess with the forces-if its meant to be it will be. so just believe and take the thoughts, memories, and emotions one step at a time. I'm in control, no matter how hard it is to remember that some days.

I suppose there's a reason we can't fast forward either.....