I can't get out, but please don't take me back in....

Why am I up so late? Why can't I find the inspiration to write this paper, and i'm blogging instead?

This feeling of loneliness I've been trying to cope with lately is taking over my life. I have no motivation to get anything done, and I can't focus to save my soul. It's not like I don't have friends-its the opposite. I have been blessed with some of the best friends and sisters this world can give a girl. But they aren't here. I can't run to campus to vent, or geek out in class with them. There are no midnight adventures and no hugs and hands to hold. yes, facebook can keep people in contact, but there is something about the power of touch, of looking someone in the eye to tell them something important, or share a fear that even skype can't fix.

I am alone in a big city. I am not scared, I am just lacking the social confidence I had less than a year ago, and I miss it. I like being by myself, it gives me a feeling of independence and self sufficiency that "I can do this" the real world isn't so scary after all.....or is it?

So, I'm afraid of the dark. not just the dark where you turn the lights off, but the kind of dark where you can't see. I am afraid of what I can't see and yet everyday I plunge forward into new realms of experience in this universe we call home. It's interesting to live with.

I miss the comfort of a boy. the stability of knowing you can call someone to talk about anything, falling asleep with someone next to you, silly fests, kisses and cuddles, debates and lessons learned from the opposite sex. I wish sometimes my past relationships hadn't been so traumatic and I could be more open to new prospects, but at the same time perhaps it has taught me the value of a relationship and be picky for the safety of my heart-because i've been through worse than most, and survived. Even if it was in a few more pieces than I started with.

I am worried that I will not make it in today's technologically advanced world with the skills I have. I want to have a family, and a house, and travel the world, but there is no guarantee for me. and I'm not sure i'm ok with that just yet. I plug through my classes, and can't quite figure out where I fit into the mix. I am the baby-the youngest in my program and it makes me wonder if i'm lacking in some world experience that I could/should be getting right now instead of chaining myself into school for three more years.

Don't get me wrong, I love where life is taking me, but its a scary ride. there are more twists and turns than I expected, throwing constant curves at for me to swerve. life, What else do you have for me? I'm tougher than I look, and I am willing to attempt to take on anything even if I fail so let's go. I'm doing my best to conquer this challenge before the next one sneak attacks me.

This is random. I don't know where this is coming from, apparently my heart is bleeding emotions and there is no where left for them to go except here on this "page" so its out, and not still locked in.




....."But me, I'm the catalyst"