Unescapable

I'm just a jilted lover in a realists world. I'm never going to get back what I had and its keeping me from opening my heart enough to move forward...

All I want to know is why?

What randomness in this world decided that some of us are destined to be torn apart and ripped to shreds and left to mend the pieces on our own?

A melancholy soul will only see the stitches in those put together pieces, and the sordid soul will see them as an irony to the event, and though the safest of souls is oblivious to such things, it is not excluded from the pain inflicted upon it.

Tears fall, hearts do too, but who's listening for the loss of breath in that moment when the realization hits? I've heard it, felt it, seen it.

When theres no fight left, when your sitting in the hallway on the floor feeling everything pulled out from under you, standing in the rain staring at a light in a window, desperately willing the time to turn in your favor, it feels impossible to take a step away. and for the longest time, every step is just as hard as the first.

it never goes away. it sits like a rock in your shoe, tolerable til something moves you in just the right way that you feel it....

but I'm just tossed aside and forgotten in the eyes of love, wishing to be found again.

How long will it be?

"For once I want to be the car crash, not always just the traffic jam..."

Muddle

Sometimes I wonder why its so hard to make decisions. I hate being indecisive and yet I am. It's like I have so many options, and I'm constantly wondering "what if'. What would have been different if I chose that path instead of this one, What would that have looked like instead of this, maybe I wouldn't be so emotionally screwed up if....I think you get my point.

So what happens when I can't make up my mind? Nothing. If I can't decide what to eat for dinner, I don't eat until I do. I'm not one to settle. Which, most of the time, is a curse. However, it does have its upside. I'm very open to new possibilities, and i'm really easy going, and empathetic to others and their situations, and I'm flexible.

Why is this a problem you ask? Because, I tend to get myself over involved. yes, you heard it, over involved. I volunteer to do too many things at the same time, I want to be a part of as much as possible that I say yes to everyone who asks me to do something until I am stretched so thin I can barely retain the basic functions necessary to happiness in life. I get so focused on making others happy, and earning their respect and not disappointing them, that I don't take care of myself.

Which is how we get here. to this post. because I am in this situation right now. But I don't want to say no to anyone, I don't want to back out of something, because I have this desperate fear of disappointing people. I am afraid that if I say no, or back out, or admit that its too much for me, that I will be thought of as incompetent, and not considered in the future. So, I am muddling through. the lack of sleep at night is not from lack of time, its from the dreams. the anxiety dreams that tear through my thoughts and wake me up in a sweat, tangled in the blankets, because something i'm working on has gotten out of control and its my fault. I know this isn't true...but YOU tell my brain that when i'm in the pitfalls of my not so dreamy land.

I just have to keep telling myself it will be over soon...I only have just about two weeks of this, and the majority of the insanity will calm down. and then only a few weeks after that before its all over, and a new chapter begins. Keep moving forward and peace will come, and with it spring. I may just need some help remembering that....

Sometimes, there's no escape, but that doesn't mean you weren't supposed to.

Pieces

Shocking. I almost forgot I had this thing. Maybe's its because life has taken off on me and I'm having a hard time keeping up.

This whole being an adult and making decisions thing is not always what its cracked up to be. The whole "you can grow up and be whatever you want to be" speech you got when you were a kid...not exactly true.

In the last two months, I've been asked if I should even be in my grad school program, a question i'm still fighting to find the answer to, and a question that i wish I had never been asked. I worked like a maniac over Christmas and feel as though I have finally maybe earned my spot in the workplace. (Still got to see my family though and ski-two things very dear to my heart). I rang in a new year with exhaustion, which has seemed to follow me through these first weeks so far. To make things a little better, I went to an amazing conference which gave me a tiny sliver of hope that I might actually be successful in my life career choice...someday. and another reassurance? Cast in a Theatre for very young audiences musical that will bring a storybook to life for 2-6yr old children...as a lead! Yet, still, I feel as though a piece to my life is missing, something isn't whole and I haven't quite figured that out yet. Am I in the right place? Doing the right thing? Could I be there instead of here?....

I know, you're thinking...life has ups and downs. I know this. mine is no where near perfect. As I sit here at the end of a day that brought us a whole lot of snow and a day off from real life, it really doesn't help the nostalgia I'm feeling. What I have learned though..is you often don't realize how often something is, until it's happened and its past. So...my belated new years resolution? To try and stay in the moment and hold on to it for as long as possible, to make that memory even sweeter when I go to look back on it. Cliche, I know, but hey, at least I'm not trying to lose weight or "give something up" like everyone else does.

So, A little random update to the world (who I'm sure has no idea that this silly little thing exists), and a little more off my chest and into words.

"Take these little pieces,
build me up a wall.
So that I might climb it,
be a thousand stories tall" ~Me

I'm a firework

So its funny how life decides to surprise you and reassure you that you aren't crazy.

I managed to make an analogy connecting Hamlet and the Wizard of Oz through educational drama in my performance inquiry class tonight, and it was AWESOME. one of those you had to be there moments...but it totally came off the top of my head and was one of those I'm totally in the right place now moments. Sometimes I think i'm going to be a complete failure at this drama/theatre for the young stuff, and then something like this happens and i'm good again.

on another completely different note- my best friend got married this past weekend, and as her maid of honor, i was swept into the whirlwind of wedding planning, last minute doubts, unforseen laughter, and the beauty of the happiness that two people can share despite the odds. being the only single girl on board (in the wedding party), gave me the chance to see the wedding through unbiased eyes. I didn't have anything to compare it to, no one to imagine being in a wedding, and it was an interesting experience. I thought I was ok with not being in a hurry to do the whole marriage thing-never planned a wedding, picked out the colors, or the dress like most girls who are my age already have completely figured out, but suddenly i'm feeling a little behind on the ball.

is this part of growing up? I can't avoid it...especially now that she's married. I can't help but wonder, will I ever be so lucky as to have as beautiful as a wedding as she did? we kept joking i was going to be the old dog lady (i'm not a fan of cats), but i hope to god not. Maybe I'm not sure about growing up, but I do know for sure I don't want to end up alone when I do decide to grow up.

So, for the first time in my life, I started looking at dresses and thinking about colors....and then gave up-better to not think about it until I have a reason too.

again with the random switch- my new favorite song Firework by Katy Perry. look it up and you will see why.

I'm off to sleep and dream of fireworks...in all the implied meaning of the word. :)

"Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July"

I can't get out, but please don't take me back in....

Why am I up so late? Why can't I find the inspiration to write this paper, and i'm blogging instead?

This feeling of loneliness I've been trying to cope with lately is taking over my life. I have no motivation to get anything done, and I can't focus to save my soul. It's not like I don't have friends-its the opposite. I have been blessed with some of the best friends and sisters this world can give a girl. But they aren't here. I can't run to campus to vent, or geek out in class with them. There are no midnight adventures and no hugs and hands to hold. yes, facebook can keep people in contact, but there is something about the power of touch, of looking someone in the eye to tell them something important, or share a fear that even skype can't fix.

I am alone in a big city. I am not scared, I am just lacking the social confidence I had less than a year ago, and I miss it. I like being by myself, it gives me a feeling of independence and self sufficiency that "I can do this" the real world isn't so scary after all.....or is it?

So, I'm afraid of the dark. not just the dark where you turn the lights off, but the kind of dark where you can't see. I am afraid of what I can't see and yet everyday I plunge forward into new realms of experience in this universe we call home. It's interesting to live with.

I miss the comfort of a boy. the stability of knowing you can call someone to talk about anything, falling asleep with someone next to you, silly fests, kisses and cuddles, debates and lessons learned from the opposite sex. I wish sometimes my past relationships hadn't been so traumatic and I could be more open to new prospects, but at the same time perhaps it has taught me the value of a relationship and be picky for the safety of my heart-because i've been through worse than most, and survived. Even if it was in a few more pieces than I started with.

I am worried that I will not make it in today's technologically advanced world with the skills I have. I want to have a family, and a house, and travel the world, but there is no guarantee for me. and I'm not sure i'm ok with that just yet. I plug through my classes, and can't quite figure out where I fit into the mix. I am the baby-the youngest in my program and it makes me wonder if i'm lacking in some world experience that I could/should be getting right now instead of chaining myself into school for three more years.

Don't get me wrong, I love where life is taking me, but its a scary ride. there are more twists and turns than I expected, throwing constant curves at for me to swerve. life, What else do you have for me? I'm tougher than I look, and I am willing to attempt to take on anything even if I fail so let's go. I'm doing my best to conquer this challenge before the next one sneak attacks me.

This is random. I don't know where this is coming from, apparently my heart is bleeding emotions and there is no where left for them to go except here on this "page" so its out, and not still locked in.




....."But me, I'm the catalyst"

You can't wreck me, I'm already broken.

I need to stop watching freaking cute movies with happy endings. especially the chick flicks. All they make me want to do is cry. I am an emotional wreck. run me over with your car next time please and I might just look better.

and so, I write....

Maybe i see the world through stilted eyes where your cognitive imaginings are equivalent to mine, and dreams are real, even if in some other world that I will never be able to reach. I know the possibilities aren't endless as much as i'd like them to be and i survived without them for this long, so why do i need them now? walk away, just walk away, keep your eyes closed and it won't hurt so much, pull yourself up off the floor and don't let the rain fall from your eyes. I can't stop. you think the pain goes away with time, but it only hides and when you least expect it, when you think its finally ebbed away, it strikes and throws you back years, flooding you with memories strong and unfocused. pull yourself back to the now, this moment, and realize its not the same. the now and the memories don't match. you feel the same but what you see is different, older, uglier, meaner. I don't want this. Do I? NO. I want shiny, happy, comfortable, a trust unbreakable. I'm looking for the faith with this love, and its not found me yet. you leave me hoping for the best...in someone else.

Breathe...just Breathe....

Life is not like a Remote

Can we rewind?

how hazardous would this be if we could? should be there a limit on how many times we could?

Maybe this is why we can't. because we would abuse the power. maybe that's why we can't have superpowers either. but that depends on your definition of superpowers.

So, when things don't go our way, we don't get that job, we failed that class, we bombed that performance, missed that plane, lost that friend or family member to death, or you get left by a love, you don't get to go back and do it over.

Instead we're left in pieces, like a broken mirror on the floor, and even trying to pick up the pieces, much less put them back together cuts us up even more. So we leave the pieces there and have to be constantly reminded of the pain every time look back and are faced with the reflection and sharp edges of the past.

So its a learning experience you say. Live, learn, move on. Whoever said it was that easy? They were on crack. or they've just never dealt with something that stuck with them no matter how hard they tried to shake it off. I'm not saying i've never learned and moved on from mistakes, but its like trying to say "forgive and forget", you may be able to forgive...but god is it hard to forget some people, places, events, or things.

In the end, I guess you can't mess with destiny. you fight like hell to prevent the worst, pull yourself out of the rubble of the disaster, and take the steps forward, because there is no such thing as going back.

Start over? Maybe. but don't mess with the forces-if its meant to be it will be. so just believe and take the thoughts, memories, and emotions one step at a time. I'm in control, no matter how hard it is to remember that some days.

I suppose there's a reason we can't fast forward either.....