A moment of WHOA!

So as I sit here typing this, I am getting ready to crash, before getting up and going to the last final of my undergrad career at Carthage College. It doesnt even matter that this final (the only one I have this finals week) is merely a presentation, it just feels weird. Why do I feel like I still have more to do? I feel like I always have this feeling, like there is more out there for me to do, to have, to take, to give...will I ever just be happy as is?

gah, I need to stop worrying...its all i seem to do lately...worry worry worry...about time, about money, about people I love, people I want to love, and the future. I trust that things will work out if they are meant to be, and everything finds a way to come together in the end...but what about that time period in between...that awkward "how do I know?,When will I know?" feeling...I think i'm constantly stuck there. I just want to know that things are going to be okay, and no one is going to leave me, or lie to me, and when someone makes me a promise, it will happen...will the world ever be like that? I don't know...

OMG. I'm graduating from college. HEELLLOOOOO WORLD! (ok, so maybe i'm going to grad school...but still) What if I don't want to grow up in this sense? always have a job, pay bills, answer my own questions? I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Maybe this is why i'm going into childrens theatre, so i dont have to feel like i'm growing up all the time-I can keep my childlike mentality around them and still be able to teach something.

OK, seriously, I need to go to bed, I have to get up super ridiculously early..for that last final. but hey, Here we go...and to be slightly honest...I Can't wait to get it over with and get out of here. I AM DONE. take me home, take me away, and let me breathe, if only for a while....

Because of course, the madness never ends.

Automatic Writing with a stresed out Brain = Perfect Example of How Random I truly am

So I feel the need to share this, so I'm going to type it up here....for my creative writing class, we did an exercise on automatic writing...we had to write whatever came into our heads for a period of time without stopping. This is what I got:

I find the world revolves faster than I can process my own fears and I see the trees growing faster than it takes you to make up your mind. Your passive aggressive explosions create absentminded tears, while i hide in a closet, my face pressed to a plastic cup of cold water, waiting for the room to disappear and the beach to swallow me up with sun, sand and surf. But there is no reality, you are what you eat, no one likes the lights off- I can't see anything! Is that such a bad thing? Does this make me a piece of cake? because shit is not that easy.

The constant shaking of the train by my window lulls my restless body to sleep despite its blaring horn and rails screeching along the tracks. Why don't people travel by train anymore? in Europe, its "the thing", in America-well maybe its the thought of the "open road" and all those ridiculous car commercials on T.V. Do you ever see them advertising gas? I didn't think so.

BREATHE. Its only bad if you think it will be and then why were you thinking it in the first place? I wish I could see the world in your shoes. they're so much prettier than mine.....

Talk about random... :)